Insignificant Evil
by Dragon'sSocks
Summary: By the end of Episode VIII we all expect Rey to meet Kylo for the Battle Royale. But what if it doesn't happen, what if he just disappears to come back much later, when everything has changed, when Rey has changed.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi all! This is my first story in this fandom, "what if" story. I always liked Star Wars, but I never dove deep enough to call myself a hardcore fan. So I would like to apologize if I get Force intricacies not fully right. I will welcome any clarifications, that will help me to improve this story. Thank you!**

* * *

Victory!

It was mind-blowing.

I was standing on the balcony of the First Order headquarters and I felt so happy.

Poe grabbed me from behind and lifted into the air. I screamed like a little girl feeling that he is lifting me closer to four suns of this last barrier.

Victory.

It was painful.

I haven't slept for three days helping to make plans for "cleaning" the planets of First Order descendants. I missed Finn by my side, I didn't allow to heal the burn from the explosion that took him away. I needed a reminder…

Victory…

it was unfair.

There was so much confusion, from those who felt good under First Order, from those who didn't trust Resistance… We celebrated each mission to ease consciousness. By one morning I was making out with Poe as if there was no tomorrow. Thanks Force we didn't get it further.

Victory?

It was bloody. Because unfairness brought blood…

It was my third planet for the past month. Drinks didn't fill in the emptiness. I was looking at my mask that helped me live on this windy planet, trying to understand what it was stirring inside of me. A mask. A dark mask. Kylo Ren…

The one who disappeared.

War is a funny business. I considered him to be my nemesis until I understood that there was no mentioning about him on all the ships, all the planets that we went through. No one knew exactly what happened to him.

And it was good. Less killings…

And it wasn't good, because he was still alive and our bond was still on.

I've never seen him since Crait, but I felt him, felt his presence.

In daylights it was fine, at nights it bothered me. I was waking up in cold sweat.

And this bar, this mask, so familiar. I was tired, relatively fresh wound on my shoulder sting. And I was bored, sitting in the middle of nowhere.

I left the bar, put the mask on and stumbled through sandy street to my temporary home. It wasn't much better inside and the thought of ex general of First Order still held me curious.

"Well…why not?" I thought finding a cozy place in the center of the room.

I dove into Force, I let Force dive into me. Easy, but like the first time, so edgy.

I saw glimmering threads all over me and I knew exactly which one I was searching for. This bond was bloody red.

I touched it and gasped, feeling my night episodes coming back so strongly, so persuasive.

"Rey?"

His voice hasn't changed. I let myself open my eyes and saw him sitting right before me.

The voice was the only thing that hasn't changed.

His dark hair was so long that apparently braided behind his back. He grew a beard that covered more scars on his face. Even more, one of his eyes was definitely bionic.

"Rey?"

He indeed was surprised.

"Hi…" I mumbled, looking astonished apparently.

"Not what you expected?" he grinned.  
"Well… you look quite different…" I continued mumbling.  
"You too. Cut your hair as I see and destroyed First Order as I heard."  
Joking? He was actually joking. This weird man who resembled a hot blooded murderer from my past had a sense of humor.  
"It was … a common effort," I answered, feeling guilty for some reason.  
"So I heard…" his smile was so soft, posture relaxed. No demons left, no pain left…  
"You are too silent for a person who facilitated this …call."  
"I just…I don't know what to talk about. I…everything was so different when we talked for the last time. I was expecting that next time I see you I will need to kill you and now… War is over…well most of it. First Order is in the past. Leia," I looked at his face. It got a shadow of sadness, so I knew that he knew, "We were supposed to have this ultimate resolution, but we didn't…You stepped aside… Why? Why?!" I couldn't believe it, but my voice sounded like an accusation.  
"Because I saw how it will end," he answered quietly.  
"And…you didn't like it?"  
"I didn't like it."  
"So what did you see? Did it… come true?"  
He looked me straight in the eyes, not actually entering my mind, but touching it. Not forcefully, not aggressively, like a child touching an unknown creature.  
"No, it did not."  
"And you are not with Dark Force?"  
He thought for a second.  
"It is not with me."  
"What the hell is it supposed to mean?" I narrowed my eyes.  
"Only that Kylo Ren got peace."  
My mind was going crazy, If I wanted to have not boring evening, this was the way to do it. So many questions, too many…  
"Should I call you Ben now?"  
"Do you want to call me somehow?"  
Teasing? Flirting?  
"I.."  
I didn't know what to say and for some reason he came to my rescue.  
"What are you going to do tomorrow?" he asked.  
At last! One easy question.  
"There is a group of First Order soldiers somewhere in the desert here. I need to bring them to justice…"  
"Do you?" he was teasing again," Do you really need to do anything for this universe? You won, you brought peace…Well, Resistance version of peace. Will you know run over galaxy for the rest of your days hunting every last drop of insignificant evil?"  
"Quit condescending me!"  
"Sorry… It is just… You know I am really happy to see you. Honestly…I wanted to reach you several times during these years, but I didn't know what to say to you. "Hey! I am glad you are alive" I knew that you are alive, I felt you…"  
"I felt you too," I said impulsively.  
He smiled again and stretched his hand to me. Endearing. I felt like that little girl on the island on Ahch-To, trying to reach to Ben Solo. There was no danger now…He was just a person with a glimpse of a shadow from my past.  
"I will show you my coordinates: Terra, near the third star of Tinko. I would love to see you, Rey. The universe can survive for a month or two."

Coordinates flashed before my eyes as a photo that can't be unseen.

"Join me."

His last phrase hung in the room. No threat. Last time he asked me to join him, he was a part of the First Order, Dark Force. There was nothing of it left…So did I succeed? Did I actually turn him to the Light? If so…why didn't he join us?

I felt warmth inside me and I responded. My fingertips touched his. Hundreds of bloody red threads went through my fingers to his, from his palm to mine.

One more smile and then there was nothing. I, room and a pile of questions.

And this invitation. He actually wanted to see me…So strange, but I wanted to see him too.  
I did want that. For so long I only wanted what was best for the universe, and this desire was selfish, purely selfish. How could I? Leave everything? Leave my mission?

Insignificant evil… Well, yeah, these soldiers are more scared than dangerous. So what if…

I battled myself. I couldn't sleep. And I knew he didn't sleep as well…Forgotten bond was as strong now as 5 years ago.

My small ship confirmed coordinates three times. As if giving me time to change my mind. But I already changed my mind. Resistance warrior Rey was going to see her old enemy, the heartbreak of her youth, her memory, the glimpse of her past… So this Rey needed to see him, to feel him, to learn who he became, to give him a name…


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello everyone! Thank you for visiting this story. I do hope you will like this part as well!**

It was harder. I was closer.

Terra was so small. Moon next to it was almost the same size.

I found this tiny planet on the maps of First Order as well as Empire. It was listed under "Unsorted". A planet without priority which basically meant that it didn't have anything that would have been worth anything.

The atmosphere was thick so I knew I may have a bumpy enter, but it wasn't the reason, why I hang above it.

It was harder.

Night episodes became longer. I was getting sick, getting closer to Terra. Hot flushes were making everything intolerable: thinking, eating and even breathing. I was catching air with an open mouth, with my head on the control panel, with my thoughts messed up in a painful cluster of emotions.

I saw him a lot…

Torturing me…

Killing Han…

Hurting Finn…

Almost destroying Resistance…

So much pain, so much tears…

And then…

Being afraid of Luke, Snoke, Darth Vader, himself…

Suffering from expectations, regrets, hopes, desires…

Offering and being rejected…over and over again…

Over and over again looking me in the eyes and asking to join him…

Touching my fingertips…

I remembered it too well. How lost I was, how disappointed I was and how hopeful I was. How much I wanted him to join me… Now I know that I wanted it for selfish reasons, more selfish than anything else.

I squeezed a steering wheel, tensed shoulders, feeling that this cramp will go away, any moment now…

I was idealistic, but I wanted him more than I thought, more than it was allowed, more than he wanted me…

I raised my head, feeling the sweat on my forehead.

Get it over with, just get it over with…

I let the ship AI to set up a route to my final destination.

Breathe, Rey, just breathe…

My chest was an agonizing red-hot stone…

I was desperate for some oxygen, for some relief…

The ship was slightly unstable, but I felt like it was shacking as an epileptic person…

I closed my eyes. AI said that it found a place to land.

I was thanking Force…

The landing was not difficult, the cabin door opened easily.

Fresh air made breathing more bearable. I heard distant voices, but my instincts were quite. No danger…

I leaned onto the ship looking down. I didn't see anything hoping that my knees would stop trembling.

"Why the hell is it so hard to breathe?" I complained out aloud.

"Rey?"

This voice was nothing new to me. I hadn't heard it for so long, but it sounded as if I never stopped hearing it.

I raised my eyes.

He was close…

… and I finally could breathe…

The fabric was covering the ship perfectly as if it was designed for it. This strange man with familiar voice knew what he was doing. He laid the linen on the blue ground and stepped aside. I hold my breath. Force cycled through his fingers and got the fabric into the air. It looked like a giant guitarfish that embraced my ship. It was so colorful and at the same time didn't have any color at all.

He smoothed it over the ship and fastened it to the ground. Carefully, systematically he fixed it over the ship and then turned to me, sitting on the ground.

His mind slightly touched mine, not entering, just curious. Just like he did when we talked, but only now there was no place where I can hide. There were three meters between us, but I could swear I could taste the salt of his skin on the tip of my tongue. He pressed a hand to his temple just where my head hurt the most.

Uncomfortable… it was definitely uncomfortable. Uncomfortably dazzling…

This unknown man was familiar. Long dark hair still slightly sticks around the temples. The human eye still got that sadness in it. He was still incredibly tall and broad shouldered.

I wondered if I looked familiar to him.

He didn't say anything just slightly pointed to something behind my back and started walking.

We walked in silence. And it was good. I kept at least five meters distance between us ,but still felt the roughness of the knuckles of his hands. I felt his thumb touching the palm of my left hand.

Unbearable…

I didn't notice anything around me. My whole being was focused only on one mission: to stop feeling him around me.

The walls of the building, we've finally entered, had a soft green color, like early blossom on some planets. I pressed my hand to the walls when we took the stairs just to feel some coldness. Walls were warm unfortunately.

He stopped next to the opened door and stepped aside. I hold my breath passing by him and quickly stepped in the middle of the room to make more distance between us.

I turned to him. He was still at the threshold. He seemed to relax a bit and even showed me a glimpse of a smile that intrigued me so much when we spoke.

"Good night, Rey. I think we can talk tomorrow when…it gets a bit easier."

I didn't say anything, but nodded. He gestured to the something that looked like food on the table and closed the door behind him.

The moment he left I exhaled with relief. He probably heard it, but I didn't care.

I let myself crumble to the niche in the center of the room that was soft enough. Something like a blanket covered me over and I welcomed oblivion.


	3. Chapter 3

I used to sleep alone. In the battleships, in the camps, on the damp ground, on the fields next to my fellow rebels, next to my lightsaber, next to my destiny.

I used to it, I grew into it as I grew into the Force.

But that night I was not alone… I was exhausted, crawling fatigue was making my mind heavy, unresponsive, restless. I was desperate to get to my lonely bubble, to the safe cocoon of Force around me.

But I was not alone.

There were no eyes watching me, no cameras.

Just lingering presence of the familiar mind.

Morning woke me up with light green light breaking through the window.

I was still bothered by this presence.

But it was easier.

It was easier to see glimmering in the walls of an asymmetric room.

It was easier to see how water was circling in the tubes of various sizes within these walls. I wondered why tubes were of so many colors and shades. I wondered what were the names of some colors. I wondered why I wondered that.

I got out of bed, which actually was a niche in the center of the room.

In the corner of the room was a strange construction that looked like a whirlpool made out of tubes. Looking at what tubes were connected to it, I guessed it was a sort of a shower.

And it was. And it was amazing… As if a small hurricane of air and water and something similar to oils caught me and was gently twirling me around.

I was standing there for ages with water dripping from my wet hair, feeling how oils were soaking into my skin. My shoulders finally relaxed. I felt a wave of calmness washing over me, but it wasn't mine. Immediately I wanted to put on some clothes.

There was a robe left for me, but I disregarded it. Shirt, pants, belt, my ammunition felt nice, felt safe.

When I left the room it was not difficult to find him.

"Good morning!"

He was sitting at the balcony on a floating panel. Ivory shirt and pants looked unbelievably strange on him.

"Good morning," I answered. I just realized that these were the first words I had spoken on this planet.

"Did you sleep well?" he asked.

I came closer, trying how a lack of a distance will affect me.

"I guess you know how I slept," I said directly, challenging him.

"Well… yes, I know. I got a bit concerned when you fell asleep so early. You were so exhausted…"  
"So you spied on me?" I accused him.  
"No! Well… I did, but it was not intentional. You probably noticed that our bond is slightly … overwhelming. Didn't you spy on me as well?"  
I looked down and back at him.  
"Thank you for the dinner. It worked as breakfast as well. The food here is …"  
"Unusual?"  
"Sufficient."  
There was a pause. I leaned over the column looking at him (hopefully) condescending.  
I crossed the hands on my chest. His mind was calmer than yesterday. It was gravitating near me, not really touching mine.  
"You are still on the list, you know," my voice sounded even more severe. "I have a full authority to arrest you at sight."  
"Will you?"  
"I can."  
"But will you?"  
I narrowed my eyes.  
"I need to gather some identification details. You do look different."  
"Thank you."  
I raised my eyebrows.  
"For not killing me on sight, I mean. I guess you have authority for this well"  
"I do," I said coldly.  
I couldn't tell why I attacked him. I guess my mind was biting as a poisonous snake. Snakes do that when they are cornered.

His hands were lying loosely on his knees, his posture was open, inviting. Unconsciously I started mimicking his breathing.

"So will you tell me what happened to you? To Kylo Ren? You were the leader and then you just disappeared…"

"Yeah, I did. I was… I had a lot of plans and …fears. Until one day I saw this vision of the future and I decided to… stop, just leave everything. Hux haunted me for some time. This actually the third planet I tried to settle on."

"What was the vision about?"

"I'd rather not talk about it now," a worrisome wrinkle appeared on his forehead.

"Why?" I challenged him getting angry again.

"You are…anxious."

"You don't get to tell me how I feel!" I exclaimed. A forgotten feeling of rage started to boil up.

"Sorry…" he stood up, getting one step closer to me.

I felt a need to step back, but there was a column behind me. General Rey isn't the one to step back. I touched a lightsaber on my thigh cautiously though.

"Rey… please… I didn't think that it may get harder, but apparently, it can. I am not a threat to you. Don't you know that?" he stepped back still opening his arms in a surrender fashion.

I knew that.

"Then tell me!" I ordered, "tell me why you left First Order."

He nodded and stepped back more.

"It is so strange," he smiled with the foreign smile, smile that I guess was similar to his father's smile." Now it seems like a bad dream… I saw you, dying from Hux's blaster with my hands holding yours. I saw myself killing Hux and taking charge, I saw myself slaying the last fo rebels, I saw First Order thrive… Impressive, right?"  
"Wasn't it what you wanted?"  
"Somewhat…but I didn't want to hold your hands while he was killing you. So I decided that if there is no one to hold your hands, then you will stay alive. And you did…" his eyes looked at me so sincere that I dropped my hand from the lightsaber.  
"Why would you do this?"  
"Well… Kylo Ren was rather inconsistent. I don't know what "compassion" meant for him. He was always so confused. I assume a thought of your death was unbearable for him, it was too hard, too atrocious… To be a reason for your death."  
"Why do you talk about him as if you are two different people?"  
"Well, we are," he chuckled.  
I gasped. He "chuckled." I didn't know that he can actually do that.

A monster didn't want to hurt a princess, so it left the story. I wanted to laugh in his face but I didn't need to enter his mind to know that this is what he considered true. It was the truth for him and as much impossible as it sounded, he left the First Order, he did leave it because of this truth.

I felt a need to hold my breath. The burden of the truth was pressing my shoulders, pushing against my chest.

"Why would the thought of me dying bothered him?"  
"Isn't it obvious?"

Tension on the border of our minds was like static electricity now, growing, enlarging. This sincerity, this openness was so poisonous. It was making me sick, ill…

I noticed some sweat on his forehead, sorrow in his eyes. He turned and went passed me a few steps.

'Why?" I repeated quite to his back.  
He stopped, dropped his head, then raised it up again and turned to face me.

"Do you want me to say it out loud?"

I nodded too brave to confess fear of how devastating it will be.

"He loved you, Rey from Jakku, General of the Republic, the one who refused him."


	4. Chapter 4

This place had its own way of life, its own rhythm, its own character.

Mornings began when Second Son was taking its rest. Terra's peculiar creatures came out of its hibernation to start their morning routine.

They were singing or vibrating or doing both at the same time. They were waking up the greenery that slept during Second Son. Large flower petals were opening everywhere, on grass, on roads, on trees, sometimes even inside the human houses. They were slightly glowing, releasing their seeds.

Terra's singers as I called them recited its singing for hours. When glowing of the flowers had consumed everything they would stop. Pinkish singers would take dishes made out of old petals and then water all the flowers. Every flower was watered, each one, no matter where it grew.

They would gather flower roots, one root branch from each flower.

The roots were soft and delicious like many other things on this planet.

After the watering ritual, some kids usually came to the house I stayed in. This was when I heard how they called him. Master Jey.

The inner yard of the house was a training ground. I watched him train with children for several hours per day. It was hard to say if he was training them as Jedi. He didn't call it like that, but the Force was strong with them.

I was looking at a human boy who was standing on the palm of his own hand on the ball in the center of the yard. Cubic toys were floating above him.

Master Jey was different. He was relaxed with them, especially when I was not around, but he still didn't stop me when I watched.

It reminded me of my past ambitions for reviving Jedis. I never got to this. The universe needed saving and blasters worked just fine.

I longed for my dreams and even envied him a bit.

A small Terra singer was standing on his master's shoulders. A small singer jumped higher and froze in the air. I tensed pulling on Force threads trying to be ready for a child to fall.

His master caught him obviously. Obviously.

The lesson ended with a half an hour of mediation right before when Terra's singers were going to work.

He worked with them and I worked too. It was routine work. Fixing broken houses, patching the road, but, what was more important, getting purple stones from the mountain. A large stone river was like a vein within the mountain. Stones were always there and there was never a lack of them.

It didn't seem hard, but when First Son was going to its rest I always felt exhausted.

That day I was again tired. Tired, but content.

"Thirsty?" he offered me a drink and I took it eagerly. Water with flowery scent was cold and felt wonderful going down my throat.

I caught his look.

"What?"  
"Nothing," he smiled. "Do we overwork General of Resistance?"  
"Is ex-general of First Order tired?" I bit back.  
"You won," he laughed surrendering his hands.  
"I did," I nodded.

Right… I remembered. I was not on vacation… I was a victorious champion. I did win.

We didn't talk much since that morning. He showed me this town (planet?) routine. And I did my part here. I didn't want to be a guest.

I grew accustomed to his presence as you get used to longer hair or new clothes. Sometimes I even managed to prevent his emotions affecting me. Sometimes I didn't.

Once I woke up at night scared and disoriented, I felt like I had a bad dream that wasn't going to end. Only minutes later I managed to understand that it was not my dream. That morning I didn't see him on the balcony for the first time. Uneasiness didn't let me go the whole day.

"Hard?" he asked. He distracted me from my thoughts.  
'What?"  
"Be you?"  
"Is it hard to be you?"  
"It was, but I try to believe that I am not that person anymore."  
"Ahh…yes, vision," I sounded too sarcastic so I continued, "I mean you could have told earlier about… everything."  
"Do you think it would have changed your path?"  
"It might have been…I killed Hux and many others. Maybe it is a result of your stepping away."  
"I see…" he dropped his head into his hands with a strange expression on his face as if he was disgusted.  
"Too ugly and murderous for your perfect garden?  
"No!" he exclaimed sharply turning to me "I didn't mean it like that… I am just …sorry you had to go through it."  
I straighten up as if I was on the Resistance meeting.  
"I am not sorry. It had to be done."  
He nodded.  
"Thank you for not holding my hands," I said thinking of how it might have gone if his vision came true.  
A wrinkle appeared on his forehead and he stood up  
"Get rest and come to dinner when the moon turns purple," he said shaking his head.  
"Okay," I said feeling that it was not what he wanted to say and his actual thought was at the top of his mind, but I didn't dare to take it.  
"You know… I think I failed you after all," he shrugged turning to the path down the mountain.

I didn't follow him.

The purple moon was touching a floor of the balcony. It was nice to have dinner outdoors. He was usually cooking. I was usually silently eating.

His emotions were depressing today. I felt them sticky on my skin, going through my pores, through my reluctance to feel them.

"Don't," I told him when he just opened his mouth.  
"Do you know what I am going to say?"  
"No, I am trying not to know, but your…sadness is toxic."  
"Won't it be helping your investigation if I talked more?"  
"What's your name?" I put away my spoon and stared at him.  
"Jey"  
"I don't believe it to be Jey. I believe that the rest of the universe knows you as Kylo Ren and a few people - Ben Solo. Well, maybe only me at this point."  
"So do you want to call me Ben?"  
"It is not about what I want."  
"It is here."  
"I don't like these games."  
He put away his spoon as well.  
"Who defines my name? First Order databases? Republic databases? My parents?"  
"There is a procedure for it."  
"There is none of it here."  
"This planet is a part of the structure. And anyway, did you give yourself a name?"  
"No. They just started calling me like that and it worked."  
"Do they know who you are?"  
"I am Jey to him."  
"I'll rephrase it. Do they know your past?  
"Maybe. I don't know."  
"Well… I know your past and I will call you Kylo until you prove otherwise."  
"Prove what?"  
"That you are not him. That you are not the last Sith."  
"Last evil in the universe?"  
"Not last, but definitely evil."  
"Recently I wondered if there is any evil at all. Why is Dark opposite to Light? What is the difference between them? Dark Force kills people? Yes, it does but hasn't Light kill Siths. How is it different? Has Dark Force bearers oppressed planets? Won't there be a tax system from Resistance as well? So what is so dark in Dark? I am not saying that First Order was a perfect structure. I am just saying that it was … a structure."  
"You won't talk me into this philosophic bullshit!"  
"Can I talk you into something else?"  
"What?"  
"Calling me Jey."  
"Not until you prove that you are not Kylo Ren."  
"Deal," he took back his spoon.

I watched him for a few seconds. He did return to the meal. I cautiously took a spoon as well, but I was not hungry anymore.

It was never dark on Terra, not really. So I think everyone saw how I visited my ship every day. I didn't care. I needed to report and report I did. But it was all the same. Phrases about "hidden threat", "hidden criminal", "needing more time to investigate". This time Poe actually reached me. My hideous answers made him slightly angry, but he got over it. He trusted me.

He told me that he was at the First Order ex-headquarters. Well, what we left of it.

I remembered that day.

I was so happy. We celebrated a couple of days like children, drunk and crazy with a victory. We cried for those who left us. For Finn, for Rose, for Leia, for many many others. We drank for those who stayed. And Poe... Well, there was never time for that, so we stayed friends.

I promised him to get back with details in a couple of weeks. I felt sick promising it. I knew that there was no way out. Whether I lie again, whether I tell the truth or whether I keep silent, he was definitely coming here.

And I was not ready to deal with Poe too.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi all! This chapter was a struggle. I was making a better progress with 6th chapter than with this one for some time. And today, after 4 hours of sleep, 5 hours of train ride, I just... completed it. Life is an interesting thing. Hope you will enjoy it and it will be worth your time. P.S. I will start to mark Rey's thoughts in italic. I am not sure if it will be clear from the context. I will greatly appreciate feedback on this topic...and any other recommendations. Thank you!**

That was one of these mornings when I just couldn't sleep. First Son hasn't even started his journey. I was rolling in the bed, awake, but slightly exhausted, with my body refusing to get back to sleep.

I thought that it probably was too early for him to wake up so I got up, grabbed a blanket and left the room as I were.

I should have had more careful.

"Good morning!"

Obviously, he was there already. I wondered if I woke him up.

"Morning," I grumped and thought of a way to get back to my room. I hadn't even brushed my hair. Not a proper look for a general or any human being to be honest.

"I couldn't sleep either. It is a terrible time of the moon cycle."

"It explains a lot," I commented hiding my eyes and taking blanket up to my neck, wondering if my robe was not too revealing.

"Would you like to have a walk?" he asked. I looked him over. How could he look so fresh so early? I also wondered who braided his hair and why his clothes sat so right on him. Why, oh Force, I was wondering that?

"Now?"

"You are not going to get back to sleep, are you?"

"I don't think it is possible…Okay. I just need to… do something…."

"_More like everything_," I thought to myself.

"I'll wait."

I got back to the room reminding myself that I should "track" him better. Did I get so used to him being around that I left my guard down?

I combed my hair and dove into the water stream near the sink. I slightly watered my hair giving it a slightly messy look and got to my clothes.

As usual, I put on everything, even my lightsaber. I shivered with the thought that I hadn't used it even once here. It felt like a dead weight on my waist, but I knew too well to leave it in the room.

Whatever was happening, the person behind the door still looked like Kylo Ren.

"Ready?"

He looked rather enthusiastic and I guessed I could have imagined his mind in rainbows.

He handed me a bottle with flower water and I followed him out of the house.

Terra's singers were still in their hibernation so it was really quiet outside.

Per our habit, we didn't talk much outside.

Our path led us to the main road, but we turned right to the mountain and then left to something like a garden.

Well, this whole planet was one big garden, but this garden was definitely a human creation.

We walked along a dark blue path that opened for us a small hill with a bench on it.

"It is a perfect view. We can meditate if you'd like to."

"I prefer solitude for it," I answered cautiously.

"I guessed so… That's fine. You can just watch how First Son wakes up."

We sat on the bench and it felt awkward for some reason. Probably because we were not doing anything. It was easier when we had work to do, but here we just sat and watched.

He seemed to be calmer than usual or maybe I was just less perceptive today.

I watched the moon disappearing in the rays of First Son when I felt his hand on mine.

It was so easy that I almost didn't notice at first.

His hand was so warm…

I pretended that it was nothing, but every cell in my body felt his smooth palm, his long fingers stroking mine.

His fingers were searching for my affection.

It was light, it was so casual…

As if he did it every day as if I did this every day.

A bench log was slightly uncomfortable, it was still damp from morning dew, it chilled my palm, but it didn't matter. His palm was covering my hand. My hand would never get cold. There was so much warmth in his fingers that it spread all over me.

I ignored it.

He ignored it.

Our hands were within their own universe. There was a galaxy giving birth between us, but we ignored it.

His fingers were measuring distances from my knuckles to my nails, they calculated miles of my morning drowsiness.

They were inviting…

I kept my fingers tight to each other, so tight that I thought my elbow would start to shake from the effort.

I was not allowing him that.

No, no, no….

His fingers slid to the side of my hand to see if my palm would be more welcoming to open up.

In the morning light, we looked like statues of trees. Did tress think that we are like them? Did they care? Would they care if they could?

I felt chills on my back when I heard him sigh. Just slightly, but I caught this change. His fingers found their rest.

His palm moved next to mine. Warmth retraced with his palm and I already missed it.

I dropped my head to look where his hand went.

It was close, a chasm of inches, a trench of seconds…

I shifted to the side. I didn't need to. I was comfortable.

But I moved and my hand moved with me. It closed the distance.

He still didn't look at me.

I still didn't look at him.

But my hand was covering his.

* * *

"_Rey,_

_You lost your mind._"

I was reminding myself about it for the whole day. Because I needed it to sink.

"_How inconsistent should you be? You just threaten him with jail, you put him on trial period and you then held hands with him netting sunrise._"

I couldn't name all the things that were wrong here. I probably committed some kind of felony or betrayed Resistance in a way. It was wrong. Bond or not. It was wrong.

"_And if he is deceiving me what then? How weak you look now? How pathetic?_

_Is holding hands is the only proof you need?_

_So yes, Rey, you've lost your mind._

_You've lost your mind ... but ...didn't it feel good?_"

I worked a lot that day, I was taking the most difficult tasks, I scratched my hands and legs on stones, I dragged myself to bed without dinner.

And after all this, falling asleep, I hid my face in the pillow knowing that it did feel good... oh Force, it felt so good.

"Ease a little," he playfully said getting me out of my concentration.

I didn't hear when he approached and it startled me. The thought that something like this could startle me surprised me even more.

He touched my wrist lightly probably surprised by my expression, thinking that I might fall.

It was not the case, of course, but his touch felt strange.

"Sorry," he smiled.

"It is the first time in years someone managed to catch me off guard. Well, good thing you are a Jedi or I would think I am losing it…by the way what you meant by "ease"?"  
"You are not relaxed. I see your shoulders so tense that I can break a stone over them," he commented, leaning over the column.  
"I am used to be cautious," I answered taking a sitting position and closing my eyes.

I thought that he will take a hint, but he was still standing. I formed a routine of practicing early first Son mornings, and he never joined me. I opened my eyes and glared at him.  
"Would you like to try something different?" he asked.  
"What do you mean by different?"  
"I can show… May I?"  
"O…kay"

He sat in front of me. He crossed his legs and stretched both of his hands palms up.

I mimicked his hands and let myself close eyes, trying to feel my lightsaber next to me, just in case.

He started humming something. It was slightly similar to Terra's songs.

I thought about the flower that was blooming each morning on my balcony, about a large rainbow -colored insect flying over it.

I tuned with it.

"I will touch your hands. Okay?"

"If it is …. necessary."

The soft flow of his thoughts did a small jump when our hands got closer.

His touch was careful, he just supported my hands, not really holding them.

It bothered me still.

He started humming again, but it became more melodic. I saw flowers again, more flowers, they were blooming all over my ceiling, all over the sky, I saw my hands that were glowing as petals.

"Feel the Force…" he said.

The petals were forming into something and disappearing.

"Feel Force, relax every muscle of your body, give it our to Force. Get back to it, you came from Force, let it take you."

His hands finally stopped bothering me. I entered Force with habitual familiarity, but his voice, power in this voice, circled between us and finally, I stopped feeling the difference.

We were the Force.

I let myself open my eyes.

I didn't see threads as I usually did. I didn't see light or darkness. Everything was … transparent, glowing and transparent, glimmering with thousands of colors and having no color at all.

I couldn't see him, I couldn't see our hands.

Astonishment washed over me and I inhaled deeply bringing back feeling to my lungs.

What seemed to be a person looked at me, his features started forming.

Balance got shifted, I felt again a part of the Force that was his and it caught me. It was so majestic, it swirled me over.

I felt the blood in my veins, I felt it rushing to my belly bringing back a feeling of affection, attachment, devotion.

The balance shifted too much. I felt Force outside of me, supporting me in the air as we were floating over the chasm.

Devotion became tangible, it woke hormones, that turned floating feeling into attraction, lust.

I felt his hands burning mine, his skin as hot as honey next to my skin.

I leaned and screamed when I felt nothing under me when fall was inevitable.

"You are here… That's all right…You are safe."

I was screaming with my forehead pressed to his shoulder. He was touching my back with his fingertips as if I was a child that woke up during a nightmare.

I angrily pushed him away.

"You should have prepared me!" I yelled standing up.

He opened his mouth to say something looking lost and guilty.

I didn't give him this opportunity storming from a terrace.

* * *

I walked all day. I knew that morning experience was just one of the techniques that I could have mastered if I spent less time in battles, meetings, and other general's stuff. That was not a disappointing factor.

My reaction was, of course, what bothered me. My... affection towards him. I had no idea if he felt it too, but I had to be honest with myself. There was an attraction. It started long ago when I was so passionate about saving Ben Solo and it was still strong now when I met this stranger that was bonded with me, who burdened me, who ... excited me.

He had looks of Kylo Ren, he had the voice of Kylo Ren, but he did seem to be so different.

When I got back to the house, he wasn't there. I wanted to stay away, but I felt an urge to find him.

I didn't need to ask where he was. The bond was calling for me and I followed it.

Going through bluegrass meadow I soon came to a mountain foot. It was hard to go up, a rocky path was steep, but I climbed up.

The bond was stronger here, but his mind was distracted and distressed. I came to the village of terra's singers, to the one old shabby looking house.

There were no window glasses so I saw perfectly what was happening inside. There were two terra's singers on their knees howling quietly. There was one terra singer with his hand stretched to the human next to him.

A person in a dark cloak with a bloody red lightsaber that was glowing as a cross.

My heart jumped. The sight was so familiar.

A bright red lightsaber flew up in the hand that didn't tremble and when it went down, I was running into the house with my own lightsaber in hand.

I jumped to him as if I was getting ready for this moment since I came here.

Maybe I actually did.

I felt so certain know. All doubts disappeared. Everything became black and white.

He is an evil, I am the light. He would be punished, I would prevail.

My lightsaber missed my hand like I missed its assertion. I welcomed this feeling and when I got closer to Kylo's unprotected throat, I felt almost righteous.


	6. Chapter 6

My lightsaber was hanging next to his throat. No trembling, I did it million times.  
"Just push it, Rey," I persuaded myself.

"You are the monster," I hissed pressing his lightsaber to the floor, hearing how it creaks under my foot.

"I am."

Terra' singers paid no attention to us. Their brother turned into millions of stones as soon as Kylo was done with him. They were gathering agonizingly beautiful these stones, but they were stones nevertheless.

"All the same. You haven't changed who you are inside. You just took under control your emotions. That's it. You are Kylo Ren."

"I am… an executioner, unwillingly chosen, but I am not Kylo Ren."

"Oh, yes, you are! I just witnessed it. You killed this poor thing like you killed your father, Snoke…hundreds of others!"

"If you are so sure about it, what are you waiting for, Rey?"

"You will be trialed for your deeds!"

"And make taxpayers pay for my transportation, salaries of the judges, my jail time? You can cut it short. You have authority. You said it yourself."

"Just shut up, Kylo. You are the last person to tell me what to do."

"You are right. Let me suggest one more thing… Would you like to see the truth in my mind? I won't struggle a bit. You can dive right in."

"Don't tempt it," I smirked, "I will make sure that it will be painful."

"Please, do…" he stretched his hands to me. "Handcuffs?"

I slightly moved a lightsaber from his face, threw a pair from my belt and he put them on.

"On your knees," I ordered coldly.

He obeyed. I took a step back making sure he doesn't jump on me using his physical advantage. I lowered my lightsaber, but still keep it in my hand. I may need it really soon.

I looked at Kylo.

How soft lights were glimmering over his skin, how blinked his artificial eye.

I felt his mind, not as a usual swamp of feelings, but more like a pond. He wasn't struggling like he usually did, but I still felt disgusted touching it and I made sure he felt it.

My own mind was wrapped into a mental armor. There would be no exchange, just extracting data from him, violently if needed.

I looked into him, diving into the pool that was him.

And… I lost it.

The next thing that I was consciously doing was puking outside the house. My body was shivering, shaking. Vomiting was probably the best option in the circumstances.

"I am sorry," I heard behind me.

"I haven't allowed you to stand up," I said with an effort.

"Should I go back in?"

"No.. just stand here. We will… go in a minute."

"Where?"

"It shouldn't concern you. Shut up."

Honestly, I didn't know where myself.

I felt repelled and I felt… miserable. Depression was a rather kind word to emotions that I was shaking off of me.

It was nasty. His calmness was just a facade, but in a way, it was even more than that. It was self-preservation. It was his way to survive. It was his way to cope.

I felt miserable because he was… miserable.

And he regretted it… So much, he regretted everything he once called Kylo Ren. He acknowledged him, but he despised him anyway.

Because there was blood….

Names, faces, or just count… body count, that he relived in his mind, that he let me relive.

I felt sick again, cold sweat on my forehead didn't make me feel better.

So what can I do with him? What can trial do to him? What can any jail do to him? What can capital punishment do to him? He is in his personal hell. He is in jail, without guards, without parole, without any opportunity to leave his cell.

I couldn't make him feel worse. I can torture him probably, make him beg to kill him by cutting his fingers and he would welcome this. Simply because it would take his mind out of the pain that he feels.'

So what can I do TO him that will be greater suffering?

For now, all I could do is … lie.

"You are my prisoner, Kylo Ren. And you will bear the punishment for your actions. I will contact Resistance to schedule your trial. For now, you will be under home arrest."

He nodded and didn't say a thing. I continued in a monotonous law voice:

"But…I will need to justify that your role in the death of Terra's creature is…not criminal. Their customs though not written include this… step as a final step in the rebirth of their species. At least I can stand to it during your …interrogation. This will need to be confirmed on trial though."

"I don't enjoy it, Rey. It is just … more merciful than what they usually did and I owe them any service they need from me."

"The court will determine that. You don't need to prove anything to me anymore."

"But I do…"

I looked at him. He meant it. How I hated to know that he meant it.

"I owe you too and will never be able to pay that debt, so if you want me to go to the court and say whatever you want me to say, let it be."

"Let's go to the house. Your home arrest starts immediately."

I pushed him forward and staggered behind him. I felt dizzy. Dehydration was hitting me hard and Second Son was only getting into its power.

I hated rocks, they were floating under my feet, they were trying to make me stumble and fall.

I heard my own hard breathing so I focused on the back of my prisoner walking in from of me.

That was a mistake.

I stumbled, I would have caught myself, but these rocks, they were like a river.

I couldn't find a balance so I fell… hard, with my back on the rocks.

I felt excruciating pain before my vision darkened and my hearing caught someone calling my name. 


	7. Chapter 7

Helpless.

Is there any worse state?

When your own body is not up to your will when your body is a burden when your body is falling you mercilessly.

Looking back at it, I wonder if I could have been more difficult to deal with.

I know why I was that way, but it is a poor excuse to being constantly irritated, angry, scrumptious.

After all, it wasn't Kylo who threw me on those rocks, it wasn't Terra's singers who bruised my spine making me a log for days ahead.

Kylo tried to be as serving as possible. He allowed me to insult him as much as I wanted, to argue with his suggestions as much as I wanted, but more than anything he allowed me to be silent in his presence.

"I think you are ready for some massage," he said 10 days later when the terra's singer was adding ointment into my back.

I was able to move my legs better, but I was still weak and needed help all the time.

Kylo didn't touch me, except that first hour when he got me on an improvised sleigh. The terra's singer dark green eyes followed me and took care of me all days later. I was grateful. It was bad enough that my prisoner became my caretaker, but I was not ready to be close to the only one creature on this planet whom I have to hide my pain from so thoroughly. Because I knew he would understand me.

Funny enough these days gave me plenty of time to think of what I've seen in his mind.

The vision of Han's face was haunting me. Now I knew what expression he had when my lightsaber was sucking the life out of his body. No, wait… not my lightsaber. Kylo's. But since his memory seemed like mine I was not so sure. I saw many other faces of people dying and thinking of the more and more I lost the sense of difference. Was this his or my kill? Were these begging eyes of a Resistance fighter or the First Order soldier?

"I think they can start tomorrow."  
"Who… what?"  
"Massage."

I nodded. I didn't want to argue. I turned my head to the other side. There were more faces in my head.

To be honest I lost the feeling of embarrassment over my naked body long ago.

I didn't have the luxury of experiencing it.

I was naked before Finn so often than sometimes I thought that he saw my body more often than his wife's. Well, to be honest, Rose saw it as much as he did.

We changed clothes for the missions before each other, we stitched our wounds in trenches before each other, we put on uniforms before flights in front of each other. It was normal.

It was a necessity.

So full body massage didn't scare me.

Being naked on the leather table didn't bother me. The masseuse didn't bother me.

What bothered me was that Kylo took the liberty to take me there.

It was also a necessity.

Terra's singers helped me in my room but they were too petite to take me far away.

So Kylo was the one. Aside from the obvious issues with him taking care of his jailer ( the line of that was really thin honestly), it was closeness that continued to bother me.

The first two times he was doing his best with it. Taking me with only his hands almost not pressing me to his chest. Not talking.

The third time was more difficult. The third time was when I bit my lip during the session from pain.

I hated it, I hated my broken body, I hated massage, I hated this planet and, of course, I hated him. When he came to pick me up I was still so angry that he froze in the threshold.

He hesitated and I took advantage of it. I waved my hands and aggressively shoved him into the wall behind me.

He got up but didn't say anything at first. He stood and I felt his defense thickening, getting ready for my next attack.

"I know how angry you are."  
"No, you are not!"  
"Yes, I do. Your mind is screaming about it."  
"It is not the same! You are not in my place."  
"I was. I was almost crippled when I got here."

I didn't know what to answer. He was telling the truth, but I didn't care much. Self-pity was torturing me over.

"You know what… I am not taking you back. You will do it yourself. You almost broke my spine over this wall. So I think you are more capable than anyone can be."

"Be sure of that!" I screamed at him.

He didn't answer. He kept the door opened and left.

Anger gradually left me leaving only this toxic self-pity. I hated him, I did shove him into that wall and Force was with me, but…

"But what, Rey?" I asked myself.

I learned to pick up almost everything around me. I once carried the whole cargo ship with Force. Why couldn't I carry my own body?

I knew why…

Because I had never heard Jedi be able to fly, not float or jump really high, and moreover I never heard of crippled Jedis being so strong.

But I was strong! Whatever was happening with my back I was strong!

Before I even stopped thinking about that, I felt being lifted from the table. It was not hard. It was not hard at all, because Force didn't care if I was crippled, Force didn't care if my back hurt, Force was with me.

I once heard about ghosts. Myths of some race that dead people can come back as mist, as a haze that slides over the floor. This is what probably I looked like when I left the massage room and ascended to my room.

Kylo was there.

I felt his relief when he saw me and…proud?

"I knew that you would manage it," he said when I descended to the bed.

"Liar…"

"Well, I had doubts, but not in your abilities, just in your …faith in yourself."

"I…never heard that Jedis could do it."

"I didn't either, but it doesn't matter. Force is with you."

I nodded. He smiled and put a dinner next to me.

He watched me eat until the terra's singer came in.

And it became easier…The next massage session was not so painful and by the 15th session, I was already walking over my room.  
The next day after the final session no terra's singer came to me.

Late dinner I left the room myself. I moved slowly still but more confident each day. And whenever I felt weak, Force was with me.

To be honest the feeling of its presence wasn't leaving me.

I wondered why I reached it only as a source of power before. Not that it was not powerful, but it was so much more than that. Not threads, not an aura, not like that.

I remembered that feeling of transcendence on the balcony and felt that the answer was somehow there.

"Thank you."  
"For what?" Kylo looked at me puzzled when I found him on the balcony.  
"For helping me."  
"I was glad to help, After all, you are right: it was my fault. You came there because of me."  
"Don't. I fell myself. You are not responsible for me. You have a lot to deal with besides taking care of me."  
"Rey…"  
"Let me finish. I have doubts. I need to tell you that I …amazed on how you are holding on with what I saw."  
"I am glad that I seem so determined to you. I wish I was like that."  
"And you are not?"

"My actions, whatever I've done is like a curse. I can tell every day that my past is past, that I can't change it so I need to look into the future. But I fall asleep with his eyes looking at me when I pierce his chest and I wake with her eyes that are searching me among troopers that are killing her. I can't," his face fell, his posture finally became closer to what I remember. Kylo Ren... Ben Solo…both of them broken, damaged, crippled, "and in between I see your face asking me to turn to you, to stand by your side…every damn day… So why am I so relaxed? Because there is no other way because I take this burden and I let it eat me, but I am going to work for the rest of my life making amends to those who I can help. And occasionally I will be happy in this place, with this work, with these children, with you. My in-between pain is so much more bearable when I can see an omen of a smile on your face when I can relax features that were hardened by war. I…"

I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Like no time has passed…is it pity on your face?" he asked sheepishly, mocking himself.  
"Affection," I sighed.  
Kylo looked at me, his features getting smoother, his face getting brighter.  
"Do you mean that?"  
"I mean it. I can't take your pain and your burden. To be honest, it caused a lot of suffering, so it should be with you. You should remember, but…" I turned my gaze to sunset where the moon was being eaten by the sun," I feel so much peace here and I am… much more… content here… with everyone, with you. Mostly with you."

I didn't hear him stand up, but his hand slid over my shoulder, fingertips touched my neck. I felt his chin touching back of my head. Warmth radiated from him, like from the sun that was hiding behind moon, behind me.

His fingers stroked my chin and I sighed deeply, filling my lungs with evening breathing.

"Attachment is prohibited…" I reminded him.  
" … for Jedi," he whispered.  
"And we are not?"  
"We are not."

I let myself lean over his chest. The purple moon was shining bright, I felt chilling breeze over my hands, but I wasn't cold. My sun was with me. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's note: So I am back here and I will need to change rating to M. For some reason, this story comes easy in writing and very difficult in editing to me. But I am going to finish it no matter what happens :) I would like to thank everyone who supports me. I hope that you find it enjoyable. Thank you!**

I was elevated when I finally left the house. I felt strong, I felt as if I rediscovered myself again.

And he was there.

Not-Kylo came back to his calm supporting role. I looked at the sun floating in his gorgeous dark hair and wondered whether it smelled like flower water here.

Walking towards the river to fill in a water tank for human settlement. I wondered over and over how would it feel to have my hand on the sea of his hair. Would it be soft?

I was trying to be careful with these wondering, but I caught a mysterious smile on his face a few times.

Maybe I was not that careful after all.

Making water go up to the tubes was not hard. Not stare to my partner who was doing the same thing in from of me was harder.

"It will rain," he said when we started pushing more water up.

I looked into clear skies.

"It doesn't seem like it. Why do you think so?"

"I lived here for too long."

As if on command I felt the first droplet on my shoulder.

"We'd better go," he said.

The rain caught up at full strength when we were midway. It was cold, it was freezingly cold as if it was melted snow.

We ran the rest of the way and when we got home we were soaking wet.

I tried to even my breath. It was dark inside, but neither he or I moved to turn the light on. We didn't even move from the corridor trying to catch our breath.

It was noisy outside and we watched the rain pouring over the porch for some time.

Well, he watched the rain, I was trying to do as well, but….

I couldn't help it.

Since I came here I was so careful to allow only bits of any physical connection. Our minds were so all over each other, that the physical aspect should have made doing what was right even more difficult.

But I was cold right now. My clothes were wet, warm walls were not so warm after all. A damp shirt was sending shivers down my spine. What was worse: in the dim light of the corridor, I saw him, watching me, not moving, not doing anything just watching me pressed to the wall, cold and out of breath. Droplets of rain over the skin of my neck, hair stick to his forehead, my thoughts messed up, his presence devouring.

I couldn't help it.

Fear mixed with curiosity was taking me over, it was parting my lips as I watched light trapped in the color of his skin. I could have run upstairs to hide under the blanket, but I liked to pretend that this thought never crossed my mind. I wanted to and…

I couldn't help it.

I took the two steps towards him and he wrapped his hands around me without second thought.

I gasped, my hands automatically embracing him back.

His warmth was soothing, calming. I couldn't get enough.

In the hideout of this dark corridor, nothing seemed to be embarrassing. His hands were stroking my back trying to divide the warmth, but my clothes were clamming to my back.

"Wait…wait," I whispered pulling away slightly.  
"Stay."  
"Just a second," I pulled away enough to take a hem of my shirt and take it off. I felt liberated and so bold that I grabbed the hem of his shirt. He didn't object it and it also found its place on the floor.

As soon as fabric touched the floor he pulled me back into his arms. He was breathing more deeply now. His hands moved slowly along my back. I pressed my cheek to his chest and shivered slightly. He embraced me even tighter.

It was warm. I didn't care about anything else while I was diving into the radiation of his skin.

Seconds, minutes…

I put a weight on a different leg and turned another cheek to his chest when his hands stopped stroking my back. They slid up to my shoulders and stayed there.

I knew what he was waiting for. His mind was not an enigma to me and that emotion was strong. It sparkled over the surface of our connection as small fireworks.

I guess I would have known what he wanted even if there was no connection between us.

He pulled me from him just slightly. I pressed my forehead to his chest with my breathing getting sharper.

I felt his chin slightly stroking my forehead, inviting me, suggesting to raise my head.

"It will only complicate things," I begged him (myself?).

"Your mind is…"

"Stop. You are naked in my mind already. You know that. You feel that…Do you?"

"I do," he breathed back, slightly pushing blurry imagery into my thoughts. White cloth… my lips parted…my chest slightly arching… my collarbones in shades of the dim light…

"Oh…" I whispered back. My knees got shaky.  
One of his hands got back to my waist and pressed me closer to him.

I imagined myself biting his neck and then towering over him, letting his hands secure my naked thighs to his. I knew he would see that.

"Rey," there was a smile in his voice. I knew I was wrong to tease him, but he should have hidden his thoughts better.

I pinched his mind getting one more picture of my naked back.

I inhaled and let my lips slightly touch the skin of his chest.

Roughly, he jumped from the wall and turned us around pressing me to the wall with one swift motion. His forehead now was next to my mine and if I had opened my eyes I knew I would see his features in the dim light. His lips that waited for mine.

"Let me kiss you…"

I shook my head.

"You know it is wrong. It will mess up … all this."

"All what?"

"All us," I opened my eyes.

"Aren't we messed up already?"

I couldn't tell him anything else. Border of our minds was shivering next to each other. I knew that when he kisses me, we would breach that border and I had no idea what would wait for us afterward. Would we lose ourselves into each other? Wouldn't we ever be able to separate ourselves?

"Jey," I said.

His eyes flew open and he slightly eased the grasp over me.

"I couldn't say it before, because… I didn't want to. Because it would have meant that you've changed and it was too hard to admit. But now… I want to know Jey. I want to know why you are not Kylo, why you are not Ben anymore. And I want to kiss Jey, not the image based on agonizing lust that connects us right now. Kiss you."

He tilted his head back and sighed. His arms slightly squeezed my shoulders and he stepped back.

I already regretted it looking at his chest in more light.

"I will stay here for a while. Go upstairs. I won't …bother you."

"You will," I admitted sadly.

I took my shirt from the floor and put it on.

"You will be in my dreams until the morning," I confessed.

He smirked.

"Will you share them?"

"Will you share yours?" I teased back.

"You are killing me…Just go upstairs already," he reprehended me playfully.

"Thank you and…" I paused walking to the stairs, "Goodnight, Jey"

There was nothing calm about that night.


	9. Chapter 9

Did you ever have a morning when you wanted the morning not to start?

When every muscle of your body wanted to stay motionless, to keep you steady and sustained, to keep you chained to a warm cozy blanket.

That morning was one of these mornings.

And it was bad.

It was even worse than I imagined.

All night I dreamt, my dreams were horny, anxious, exhausted. I was jumping from a vision of touching myself to being on top of him, to standing it the pool of blood among the pile of dead bodies.

I felt sick, I felt so close to him, I felt as if I was... him.

I promised to get to know him, but the only way I wanted to know him now was either getting him between my legs or slicing his throat.

I managed to dress, but I couldn't leave my room.

I heard water rushing, I felt it on my skin, soft dampness on my cheeks, watery air in my lungs.

The smooth metal of the handles, oils in my hair, cold from the first wooshing of the water stream.

I felt me through his thoughts. I felt him carefully brushing my mind to see if I was around. I felt his excitement from knowing that I was watching him. Me…him... me...him… We were in this continued circle and it was blowing my mind.

This was what I had expected it to be. I was losing it... I was losing count if these emotions. Were they mine? Were they his? Were they ... ours?

I was trying to catch my breath. I was inhaling air but it did me no good. I touched my hair on shoulders. No, that was wrong - my hair was short. It was his motion.

I lost my breath completely. I pressed my back to the welcoming wall and let myself slide to the floor.

I made my self breath. I commanded my body to take this oxygen, to process it, to keep me alive.

_"Just hold it, Rey. You are not crazy. It is just this bond. _

_Just this bond?! It is not "just". " Just" doesn't cover it. " just " does nothing. _

_Because if I am out of breath it is not "just"._

_If I can't get him out of my head, it is not "just"._

_If I am obsessed with touch if his hands, it is not "just"._

_If I am nuts over his lips it is not "just"._

_It feels like everything right now._

_It feels like everything I need."_

"Rey?"

I shuddered. When did he enter?

"You called for me."

"I did?"

He looked concerned. A white robe stuck to his wet skin. His hair was just wet ropes. Did he leave his shower?

"Should I leave?"

"I can't get you out of my head. It is so not healthy. It is so wrong…"

He stretched his hand and I grabbed it eagerly. His embrace was reviving.

"It is just lust. I am sorry. It is lust, bond... mess. How can you hold it like that?" I muttered apologetically.

"I am not holding it."

"So how can you resist?"

"I am not holding it," he repeated.

His hands were on my waist with his thumbs playfully rubbing my skin.

"Undress me," I whispered.

He withdrew with his hands getting to my belt and letting it drop to the floor. He untucked my shirt. I looked at my hands that were stretching to the ceiling. I swallowed embarrassment from knowing he would see my scars. My scars from that explosion.

"Is it... Finn?"

I nodded. I was too weak to resist this memory, he brushed a few tears from my eyes.

"Don't stop. We can talk about it later. Not now," I whispered hastily.

His eyes were scanning my torso, his fingers were sliding up and down my ribs, my breasts, my neck. He pulled me back to unhook my bra and cover with kisses my shoulder.

How did I live without his touch? How? And why?

Happiness as honey spread in my body that he carried to the bed.

He towered over me and cherished my breasts, my ribs, my belly, my light scars. He hid them in kisses and they disappear, from my skin, from my mind.

He got to my pants and his hands slid over my inner thigh. He didn't rush with putting them off. But he pressed his palm between my legs and I moaned.

The sound was unexpected, surprising. I forgot this feeling, forgot how good it was to be with someone.

He unbuttoned my pants to pull them off, to pull my panties off, to pull the last of defense off.

So this was it. I slightly got up to pull his shirt but he resisted.

"Only you."

I wanted to ask why but his fingers already were in me.

I wrapped hands around his neck hiding my face in his shoulder.

Fireworks of his emotions were getting me drunk. I wanted him, I wanted myself…

And while he was pushing me further, I heard myself moaning through his ears. Excitement drugged me and I wanted more.

He pulled from my grasp letting me fall on the pillow tracking my hands with his other hand, pressing me to the bed slightly biting the skin on my chest.

I grabbed the edge of the pillow, my breathing was so sharp, that I could have cut him with it.

My back was arching as if getting me ready for the climax, explosion of anticipation and longing.

I inhaled, he almost painfully kissed my neck and in my final screaming, I saw stars without skies.


End file.
